I have become everything that I once feared. Closed, impenetrable, scared of feeling vulnerable and scared of showing emotions. I talked about Tinder generation and “hook-up culture”, not understanding why people are scared to feel, but then, – I ran away at the first sign of liking/feeling emotions for someone. Anxiety crisis. The anxiety crisis I had, just by realising that I have to lower my walls to let someone in, that’s how much my previous relationship with J damaged me.
It’s not that I need to find myself-first – I am very much happy and satisfied with myself, I work, I study, I have good friends who genuinely care about me and with them I have no walls up, I have my dog, my home – I am happy. I am at peace. So this cannot be the reason to flee. It cannot be that I am unhappy and therefore I can’t be in any relationship. No.
My issue is – I am burnt way too often, particularly between November and May, and now I am scared of even lighting any fire. What if Om does the same? The moment I lower my walls and let him in he breaks my heart? What if that’s what men do in general – just play? Weave fake dreams to get you and then break you? What if? And I flee..!
Daniel: Dee, it’s ok to be scared. You have been through a lot and dealing with a lot right now. The pressure you are in would put a normal person into burnout but you are doing well. Look, telling him now – after 3 dates and an evening spent together – that you want-out cause you are scared of your emotions – is less cruel than telling him after a month when he actually starts developing feelings for you. Remember, the right guy will find you. If he hears you are scared of feeling he won’t flee, he will work hard to make sure you aren’t scared. He’ll know what to do and will be willing to go a 1000% to keep you with him. Because he is sure he wants you. He will work on a relationship from day one. To get you back from this deep hole you’ve been put into by others. As a man I know when I love someone, my saviour instinct kicks and even though I am advocate for equality in relationship – I quietly put that extra effort to make my partner happy. It’s innate to my “man” instincts. So I am sure, when you actually find the guy who has fallen for you – and that can happen from the first minute you meet – he will push mountains to be with you. No dillydallying around.
And so I slept, from 7pm last night to wake up at 7am today. I am not completely lost. There’s still hope. And it’s a fresh day. Time to go to work!
ANTHROPOLOGY OF LOVE 