Day 41: The Shit-Show – Single Woman’s Diary

It was really lovely what V said last night: “get them to do a blood test on your 3rd date”! After I told her about how “helicobacter pylori” spreads!

And Daniel: “wow you got lucky. You dodged a bullet!

Tinder dates. What can I say? What can I say. You think as a woman abiding by most normative rules (not all), you are OK in today’s world. You think you are a “normal human”. But then you date on dating sites and that woman falls apart fast.

Remember how I was falling apart since Sunday, thinking that I was the one incapable of emotions, that I was the one who ran away… at the first chance of feeling emotions, I bolted. And my friends kept reminding me – the right guy will not hold it against you but will try to work it out with you. Damn. Time. Time shows us reality!

(Trigger warning – if you are a conservative bigot with NPD, kindly refrain from reading further. Don’t judge me unless you are ready to be judged yourself!)

After asking Om why he didn’t have an orgasm after 4hrs of Olympic sex (oh burn in hell if you are judging me for having sex… get off our high horse and just read this rather than hypocritically judge me with virgin/whore dichotomy)… and then Om claims it’s “tantric”. Such bull! I’ve never seen a man hold back for 2 to 4 hours. Twice. Nothing. 4 hours. Nothing. I kept thinking it’s me. I can’t emotionally connect. I am damaged. It’s my fault. No.

Trust your instincts. If something inside you is countering every logic and not wanting to open up and let someone in – there has to be a good reason for that! Not because you are hurt but your intuition is trying to protect you. I felt something was wrong. After J, I have been highly aware of assholes and aware of manipulation, thus consciously avoiding them. But this is the first time I have to say – ladies, trust your instincts. Sooner or later you will know you were right! Just trust your emotions after the 3rd date – if he doesn’t feel like the one you’d be comfortable with, if your mind is shutting him out… Don’t fight it!!!! You are on survival mode. You are subconsciously recognising a pattern that is otherwise well disguised.

So… I wrote to the Om: “I gave us a lot of thought and last two days that we spent together was really great. I love spending time with you, we are very similar, but I think you’ll be happier dating someone else. I am sure there are many beautiful girls out there who want same things as you do. I mean, I want a big family etc but I can’t be the only one… I’m sure there are others better than me. I would love to keep in touch as friends, but I don’t think we both can emotionally connect with eachother. I thought it’s best to tell you this now than waste any time. Hope you understand and feel the same way.”

I knew that if I am wrong, if his heart is truly in the right place (like the lovely heterosexual male friends I have – who are like siblings to me, and they go 1000% to make their wife/long-term girlfriends/baby-momma’s happy) – he would give his heart and soul to prove me wrong. I knew it deep inside that the right guy would want to talk it out and show patience, courage, and honour – in the face of rejection. The right man, to have me in his life and to establish trust over time – would be understanding.

My gut feeling was right. I dated J. And I was married to Stéphane. So even though I didn’t want to see it, this time… I thank my subconscious and lucky stars – “Narcissists typically suffer from low self-esteem, it’s a facade, and even the slightest criticism can fracture their delicate ego, causing what’s known as a narcissistic injury.”

My date had a preoccupation with fantasies of success and power… same as J. Which I mistook as dreams and aspirations. His belief that he is special and can only be understood by similarly special people drew him to me, he was kind but in the same way that J was at the beginning – the phase where he was wrapping me into his net of love bombing. Om had a lack of empathy, that I felt as someone instinctive – close to being an empath, and I couldn’t connect to him emotionally.

So when I told him that I can’t connect to him after 3 very intensive dates… He lashed out. I saw J. Same damn pattern. (Oh don’t you dare comment “I don’t get how a person can go through same shit again and again”… some people just do! Easy magnets to psychopaths and sociopaths. Unfortunate reality.) Guess what I got in return for being polite and honest and apologising a zillion times and asking him to be friends cause I didn’t see myself as dating him but I was sure my friendship is of greater value, etc.? – Reproach. That’s what I got.

Toxic one liners designed to hurt me. To burn me. To make me question my worth, my sanity, my standing. Typical narcissistic manoeuvre – ulterior intentions disguised as care and holier than thou dismissals through harsh comments.

Here’s the thing – I am too balanced with my own space these days. I know myself and I know where I stand – cause I took time to find me. To heal me. There are hundreds of women out there who say they have gone through men behaving similarly with them; so for me to stand strongly by my last reply to him (after his comments indicating that I am mentally not well and I should rethink if I don’t want to date him, and reading between the lines when he called me fickle minded cause I made a quick decision to not date him after having sex with him)… “Ouch. That hurts. But Ok. I deserve that criticism. I guess you didn’t read anything from what I sent you – so understandable that you think I am irrational and fickle-minded. I was about to say if we still remain friends you are most welcome to join me on 8th, and I guess you don’t want to remain friends with an “irrational superfast changing habit” person. So I will send you back your T’shirt by post. Enjoy your day out. I wont bother you anymore.”

Then he wrote a comment. And you know how it went with J’s brothers Gf and his toxic German male-chauvinist friend’s nincompoop half-brained gf = Simon’s comment on my blog from Day17 of my breakup? You do cyber bullying – bitch I’ll expose you. Go… Bring on the lawsuit!

So here’s Om’s perspective cause I didn’t want to hurt him and I genuinely thought I was messed up cause I couldn’t connect – he wrote “You hurt & confuse me quiet nicely in this short time..” after telling me that, “I think you should get your thinkings clear… If you would not date me..”

Ok. Grandiose much? But I gave him benefit of the doubt. I kept apologising, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. Tried calling you. I just want you to be happy as I think you are a lovely person and in an ideal situation you’d be a great boyfriend/partner/husband. But I am not the right person for you. And proof of that – I already hurt you without meaning to. You are right, I have to get my thoughts right. I am incapable of being loved or love I guess. So I am just making sure you have a better chance and I don’t waste your time. Again. I am sorry. I am just too damaged to be in any kind of relationship and I am realising that now. I am sorry. Even though I like you, I don’t think I am good for you. I am really really sorry. I didn’t think you liked me enough for me to hurt you. I still stand by my proposal that we remain friends, get to know eachother as friends. Not dating or anything. Just friends. And then if you feel we are good for eachother – let’s date then. What do you think?”

And he after bumbling on with hurtful one liners he finally posted a comment on my blog (seriously, what is it with these men?) – “I guess you forced me to read this text to correct it right away. As you already turned many things to look good for this single woman story. I let you this lie untouched and wrote you the correction in private.. as normally such things stay. I guess you know now also, that YOU shouldn’t ask the men why he’s single.”

Dude. You and J. 37/38 year old men who never got out of Prince-Charming phase. Incapable of commitments – and then tell-me-off for asking you why you were still single cause your outer facade of nice guy had question mark all over it!?! Please.

If anyone reads my blog thoroughly (let’s start from Day 1: The Breakup Diary) they know how much I truly blame myself for many things, as much as I try to stay objective despite giving myself the space to fall apart. Recording my ups and downs to understand my own inhibitions. This is my fieldnote. My field diary. It’s just online for all to read. As I record – Every pain and doubt I have regarding/around a social construct of marriage/partnership/family/childbearing pressure. This is my experimental fieldwork. No sugarcoating. I write and document what I see and feel. You get what you see. You read what I feel and experience.

So this time, knowing my process, knowing how honest I have been, I didn’t back down. For once… for once I didn’t tolerate some stoned half-minded idiot’s gibberish coming from narcissistic hurt cause I set boundaries – this time I wouldn’t take it from someone who thinks he’s better even after massively failing to satisfy a woman – he wants to burn me, then he better be prepared to burn down while I dance on his ashes.

So here’s my final goodbye (with a bit of encouragement from my fiery sister V): “It’s really a shame that you feel like that, but seriously now I am sure that my gut feeling about you was right. I liked you and I thought it was all me – it was all my fault, but no. It’s you. You talk about spirituality… here’s my 2c. Stop with ego and start with seeing where a person stands. It’s sad that I have only been nice and kind and polite with you, but you truly have an issue. Get your issues fixed and date other girls. Start with yourself before blaming others.”

And you know what people with NPD do if you call them out on their bullshit? Silent treatment.

My final reply after reading a bunch of messages where he understood nothing of what I wrote. I have already forgiven him for linguistic barrier, but can’t forgive him for his quick to attack, self-centred, narcissistic attitude.

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