Woke up this morning thinking, how wonderful would it be if I could work for Schön, Vogue, Elle, Femina or Cliché! Move to LA or Vegas, or back to Paris or leave for Berlin, just move away – start over new! That thought keeps coming back to me. And I am beginning to wonder if I should just drop everything and just do it! Maybe I’ll revisit this thought in 6 months time and re-evaluate.
On the other hand, a new thought appeared as I sipped my morning coffee. Being though is innate to some, we don’t know how to be anything else. Even when we try – we’d rather be mellow than soft; becoming soft and discarding our true nature is something we do at great-cost to self. Still, we do it for “love” anyways. But then… what is this kind of love we are fighting for or succumbing to – that demands us to change?
I’m slowly getting back to my old Tigress form. Take no shit, give no shit. Be honest, direct, and kind to those who deserve kindness and stern with those who provoke your sternness. No dilly-dallying around. Particularly fight for my rightful recognition at work and studies. Which I somehow neglected while taking time to recover from my emotional injuries. The problem is, as HK put it, “Recognising when our brain does weird toxic shit is not easy, but our brain is not smarter than us. It is dumber than us, because the brain runs on weird, shitty evolutionary panic instincts. And we are smarter than that, when we think consciously.” He gave me examples of why I shouldn’t question my self-worth and pointed out “So just remember: when your brain tells you that you suck, it’s lying to you.”
On Friday evening Machete reminded me of that again. When he told my colleague, “there’s one thing I remember clearly when I met her the first time… two years ago – men are scared of her. This person seated next to you – men are scared of her in the associations. That was clear to me. I am not a bad judge of character and I can tell you, she’s tough and men are scared of her.”
Both HK and Machete (I shall call him so cause he truly is one as he takes no shit) reminded me that I am anything but weak. I am not the person that I had become to accommodate someone I thought was worth my affection. Both these men (I hold in high esteem) reminded me that if I can set my mind to it, I can achieve anything. Cause unlike many, I don’t blame shift, I take my responsibilities seriously and I face my problems head on. I grit my teeth, clench my fists and fight for things that are important for me.
Now the question is – how much am I willing to fight for what I envision should be the outcome of my career? Answer: 100.000% ‘cause… I love doing what I do and nothing’s holding me back.
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And that’s where love can be experienced in various forms. My love for my career and education, is as valid as it is for someone who showers unconditional love on their special person.
ANTHROPOLOGY OF LOVE 