Stray thought about love. It’s not about sex. It is way more. Deep conversations, similar aspirations, being onboard with eachothers wants and needs, clear communication and the ability to listen and change. Growth. All of that and more. It was funny as a dear friend mentioned something that got me thinking a lot on Friday evening. He said, to him a mature woman is way more attractive. I was surprised and asked him why so?
His reply was – “the depth of conversation”. He insisted that “it is not about physicality, at all. Of course attraction matters but not just sex.” He isn’t interested in women who are “sexually active or has/had multiple sexual partners but rather a woman who is mature – mentally – for not all women are highly experienced” (indicating my lack of physical relationships in comparison to many women my age). He said he doesn’t know what to do with a younger woman after having sex cause there’s nothing truly to talk about apart from more sex or any conversation leading to more sex. “It’s just kink, and no depth”.
I found that both highly disturbing and fascinating to hear. Mostly as an intersectional feminist, I felt both sympathetic as well as a certain disdain towards him. On one hand I told him “perhaps you should try talking to them about deep things and see how they react before ruling out the possibility of their maturity” and on the other hand I did understand that “many women are taking feminism as sexual positivity and often forgetting other aspects of life/responsibility that comes with being a self-proclaimed feminist – but it is also their choice and we must respect it. For not many women would turn around and say – a man has slept with many! But we do turn around and judge how many a woman has slept with, often calling them derogatory terms such as a ‘mattress’, – and thus engaging into a virgin/whore dichotomy once again”.
To that he replied – “I have no issue with women having sex. Loads of it. My issue is the depth. I don’t feel connected with someone who readily jumps into bed with anyone they like. Despite their relationship status. It worries me that they might just want to settle later with someone for all the wrong reasons – like, social duty to wipe off past discrepancies. How can I trust such a woman? To her, it’s about: Boyfriend – check. Marriage – check. Career – check. Child – check. Mission accomplished.”
This gave me something to think about, I am glad that my friend could speak-up about his feelings infront of me – despite my reputation as a feminist with low tolerance to bullshit and somehow remaining objective. But the discussion was disturbing. I wonder if every man feels the same way about their sexual relationships but are too scared to express their opinion in fear of being “politically incorrect”? Hmmm.
All I could think of at the moment was: Choice, Action, Consequence.
We all choose what we want to do and how we want to be seen. We are responsible for our own actions. Whether or not one chooses to be sexually active or not is no-one’s business. Every action has a consequence and the consequence is the burden(or not) for the person choosing to do certain actions. As long as their actions aren’t harmful (physically or otherwise) – I don’t see a problem with choices (sexual or not) that people/men/women make. But the moment that choice crosses certain lines on route to harm (physical, mental, or even abstract – like causing disruption in existing commitments), one must review their choice – and think. Is that choice an aspect of empowerment or just megalomania disguised as rebellion?
ANTHROPOLOGY OF LOVE 