Day 42: Isa – The Single Woman’s Diary

Woke up this morning barely rested. Two pimples on my face to remind me my periods start in two days. A friend introduced me to runes and her prediction for me is Isa. Ice, stillness and cold. She says: “Patience. Freeze. Don’t stop what you do but don’t forget self-care either.

I keep reading how spiritual and physical are intertwined. One without the other is incomplete. It is the essence of every religion and every non-religious action as well. I keep saying – self-love without self-awareness and self-acceptance is just meaningless, as one of self-love’s primary functions is self-regulation: rest, satisfying needs and experiencing certain emotions – it requires us to also understand where we stand in our surroundings. Focusing on our immediate space.

Just realising how much I detest stress caused by interpersonal conflicts. 3 days of complete distress and then finally I can breathe today. My heart was pounding so hard last evening, I almost thought I’d faint. How could I keep thinking it was my fault? How could anyone suggest fault when there’s genuine well wishers who’d rather remove themselves from the equation than cause others any distress? Sigh. We forgot how to live.

Such chaos and so much effort! In today’s fast pace of life and attempts to stay on schedule, the pressure that comes with South Asian families who want to see you “settled” – and societal constraints regarding “ageing” that leave us older gals a bit perplexed with the idea of “should living alone be ok or should I buy myself 12 cats” – all these questions often leave us without paying much attention to our body signals. Trying to keep up with a hectic lifestyle, we get anxious, ignore fatigue, don’t eat or drink and lack sleep. Perpetual tiredness manifests in various ways. All this leads to a breakdown of the compensatory capabilities of our body; and then in it’s last protest – triggering factor for any ailment can be found in experiences of both past and the present – trauma. Often, inability to resolve an internal or external conflict generates rage, aggression, feeling of helplessness.

For the first time – in a long time – I am realising how socially conditioned we are to behave in a certain way, to please a collective community that decides on our validity. The act of standing up for oneself is as stressful as quietly tolerating abuse. It’s not easy. No wonder so many remain in abusive relationships in order to avoid confrontation and thus avoid further aggregation of problematic confrontational situations.

Better the devil that we know than the devil we don’t. Right?

Being opinionated is frowned upon. This kind of judgement on opinionated women is not just limited to those who aren’t highly educated but also can be seen in those studying in universities and holding prestigious position in government. It’s a mindset. A socially conditioned mindset.

Through it all, I cannot help but wonder – how am I still standing? Perhaps hope? Perhaps numbness? Perhaps knowing that I have to push through it all as no one is there to lean on?

Daniel: Don’t go to the darkness, just think of a lubricated real life scorpion gliding around. Haha.


So here, what keeps me going, it all boils down to this: hope and lubricated real life scorpions gliding around.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.