Day 11: The Single Woman’s Diary

Daniel (with a deep Scottish accent and a manly voice mimicking toxic masculinity): your father shall approve of my built, I have many cows. And a sheep. Now hold my beer.

That’s what happens when you have a bestmate who’s an outsider of student associations, but loves his beer and whiskey as much as I/we do. And this was him taking a jab at me, after I told him how shocked I was at Maienzug as a (moderately good looking, short and stout) man was adamantly telling me that he wants to marry me and how beautiful “our mixed-babies” will be. Facepalm.

This got my bestmate laughing. And me facepalming and asking him – how do I attract such unique combinations of fascinating creatures? And hence the “I have many cows. And a sheep. Now hold my beer” comment.

This apart, I was called naive yesterday, by an acquaintance. Reason is valid though. I really don’t get flirt. To me an elder is an elder, and people my age are my gen. So if an elder holds my hand, and cups it and caresses my hand, to me it is the same as a patient holding a medics hand for momentary comfort. Something about that doesn’t feel wrong but then again, I do have a very traditional upbringing entailed with “give toxicity a chance”, “it might not be abusive”, compassion, and understanding.

Particularly my incapability of seeing an elder as a sexual predator, is quite detrimental to my own well-being. Which apparently isn’t the case with all. Yet, somehow it’s also a matter of energy and intuitiveness about such things – if holding a young woman’s hand while talking about something important and partially/potentially emotional, is considered abusive and not compassionate – then I am truly naive and it seems that my intuitions went on a hike when it comes to such things. Then again, my acquaintance brought to my attention that this particular person has a sexist reputation, hence his actions must be seen and approached differently.

I read that being in a relationship with a narcissist can break a person permanently – turn an extrovert into an introvert, a confident person into someone who’s continuously self-questioning, and an intuitive person into someone who overlooks the most obvious.

As my acquaintance pointed out my naivety, I couldn’t help but think – how much my character/personality has altered! I am no longer bothered if someone wants to make fun of me or my failures, hold my hand or not, text me or not, communicate their intentions or not, nor am I bothered by what will people say or think of me. Here’s the thing – everyone has right to their opinion, and these opinions of others don’t define who I am. My opinion of me is what matters as I am the one who has to look into my mirror every morning while brushing my teeth and putting on mascara!

One thing that remains is this – I try to see good in everyone and believe in “benefit of doubt”. If the abuse is obvious then “my wrath will rain down like hailstorm that froze hell over”. Nah! Jokes apart. That’s the thing that one should fear most about me, and about nice and kind people who don’t get angry easily. Cause… When we do get angry…

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