Day 33: The Breakup

I have a small mouth. People usually have a wolf-trap ready to snap when at their dentist – but I’m one of those whose mouth doesn’t open up more than to shove a spoon-full of food in, only when needed. So while fixing my wisdom tooth my dentist – I noticed – has accidentally chipped and cracked my front tooth. I’m annoyed. Also, my bruxism has gone a few notches up in the past few weeks. So now I have to invest in a dental guard.

Ha! The pain of being an adult. Stress, anxiety, and a certain social conditioning that requires women to remain prim and proper. Honesty, I love seeing a well-groomed man, but somehow that memo wasn’t passed on to them!

G, wrote to me last night saying “I also noticed that I am aging… I got my first grey hair and my legs are chubbier than usual (goodbye super duper legs)”. I saw that message this morning as I fell asleep with my head on Spivak’s translation of Derrida’s Grammatology. Woke up with my right side of the face wrinkled and thought – “ah there it is, laughter lines are slowly making their way (goodbye wrinkle-free face)”.

I have noticed substantial ageing since May. Physical and mental. A certain – “I don’t care what happens now, if it has to happen it will, if not – big deal – buhuhu” – attitude that was absent before. I had an acute need to plan everything, but now I just go with the flow. I have also noticed that it is harder for people to get on my nerves. Believe me, some people really try purposely to do so. Like R, fascinating human. First date he tried hard to get on my nerves, just to see how far he can push to get a reaction. Well, well. Fascinating. Perhaps I was more fascinated by myself, for being unbothered.

My calm has reached a new level. Of a Saturday summer-morning, after a full night of thunderstorm. There’s a constant buzz of life, warmth, but the stillness and absoluteness of living in the present, being one with nature, makes it a new kind of stable.

Also, Daniel will be moving out soon. When asked – “Why do you look so destroyed?” He replied: “I drank Prosecco yesterday. It’s the tears of the Devil.

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