Day 30: The Breakup

To be honest… The “21 day rule” holds true. I did not put pressure on myself to “feel better” – I gave myself time and permission to grieve. Of course I learnt too late that my ex relationship was one sided, and therefore the pain was perhaps greater with the realisation. Particularly cause he integrated himself in my life, and I was genuinely displaced from my surroundings becoming more attached to him, while he remained detached. I was the doll he could play with… and the clarity of what caused the friction, initially made it feel like I was not only losing my ex, but part of my identity as well.

Out of many lame excuses he gave, the best one is the one I will never forget: “…the social situation or conflict we got into (refer to earlier blog-posts that talk about the toxic best friend, J yet to have a closure thus keeping in touch with his “ex”-Gf L while he was already in a relationship with me, toxic friend’s equally toxic and dim-witted Gf, brother’s two-faced Gf) and the dilemma I felt (ref. lack of character to stand up for the person he claimed to love) made it impossible for my love to continue and grow”.

Today when I look back at that message, I think to myself – what a bunch of human excrement stringed together to form a terrible terrible excuse to save his ass in-order-to come out looking like a saint. Yes, today I can say so cause I realised that my pain was perhaps more linked to the possibilities, time and energy spent, the loss of the fantasy of what I thought could happen if he would have tried. That’s the thing though, try he never did – cause love he never had for me. He was just a needy man who was love-bombing me.

Mind you, I love receiving texts, I love it when a guy replies back as soon as he reads my text, and I love replying to them, I love being showered with compliments, and affection – I do that with my friends all the time. It’s just normal for me to show care. Love-bombing isn’t care, it is manipulation from a person with a single minded goal – exploiting. I lost my balance while I was with J. Despite all my friends going – “red flag”, “not the right guy for you”, “careful”, – I went “but maybe he’s different”. Cause who doesn’t like getting attention and affection?

So truly, I grieved and allowed myself to heal – and I realised what an incredible opportunity I have for reinventing myself now that I am not with J nor S.

Lesson learnt: “you’re in the early stages of a relationship and everything feels like it’s happening too soon, check in with your gut. Remember: Falling in love should be savored, not rushed.”

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