I will never forget how I used to be this person who’d try to do right by and for all. I was all heart. All sentiments. But over the years, particularly as I started to let go of people, and memories, I am learning that it is best not to hold on to relationships and friendships just because of memories. No matter how long you’ve known them – if they don’t act right, if they don’t support you positively, if they become the cause of pain to you or to those you love – let them go. No matter who they are or who they have been to you. You’ve outgrown them.
Somewhere I read that you need people to lose you, so they can go about their daily lives thinking and believing what they want and need to believe. Let them fly high thinking they have better (it is ok, to let them think they have better while you are struggling to keep some semblance of balance trying to suppress pain)… they might or might not even realise their fault (cause this world is full of selfish, self-serving narcissists who would rather die before giving any sincere apology) – eventually these people will become a blurry memory.
With the loss of a visual memory (J’s face) since yesterday, I am awed at how our brain works to suppress painful memories. But I know and I will remember the cause of that memory – it is a huge lesson learnt. And as I sat with my best-friend M (still a bit disoriented from my iron infusion) drinking hot chocolate, and discussing life – and laughing about the woman who ended up at her gynaecologist’s office with glitter on her “vagingin” thanks to the daughter wiping glitter on her towel… and laughing non-stop about everything and nothing at the same time… I realised that my best/closet friends are truly a reflection of my soul.
I realised that I might have lost in love, but I have gained may-folds by helping myself and writing this blog; to put my most vulnerable self out there for other vulnerable women to understand that they are not alone. Cause you know what? You’ve moved on, and better-off without those abusive relationships in your life. You always deserved and you will deserve better. Much much better. Don’t settle for anything less than what your heart truly desires.
“I’m someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.” [Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City]. And that love is only the beginning of everything else.