Yesterday I met the kindest stranger I can ever image. I’ll call him Walliser Dani (WD).
A date set up by Daniel.
WD is half Spanish (Galicia) and half Swiss. WD is actually kind and sympathetic – reminds me a lot of Sol (Frankie’s husband – from Grace and Frankie), in his mannerisms. I found that adorable. So… WD’s favourite city is Barcelona. WD’s best friend’s GF is called Joël. WD is allergic to fish but loves calamari. WD is a mountain-child. Hmmm. WD is Libra-Scorpio cusp, but doesn’t care about zodiacs, but mostly cares about stars as he loves sailing – and during blackout he should be able to charter his way. WD is very well read, knows my favourite authors, books, quotes – and all this was sincere and zero pretence. Not even once did he say “oh how beautiful you look”, but was actually having a conversation with me. Humorous, well-read, speaks English/French/Walliser-dialect/Catalan. Did I mention Philosophical? ‘Cause WD reads! Devours books like I do.
Yet… Throughout it all, I sat there semi-teared-up (rightfully blaming it on spring-fever), smiling bravely, staying calm – while comparing. I had a date with the kindest person and I sat there feeling scared, – what if? I sat there thinking of the time when I told J that once restaurants open I’d like to invite him to the SummerTime by Aare-side. What if WD isn’t trust worthy? J and I never talked politics. What if WD isn’t interested in things that interest me, and is just pretending to like it, like J did? What if he manipulates me? What if? What if? What if? What if I am always scared?
At that moment a stray thought of “can never love again” crossed my mind – I realised that I have voluntarily thrown myself upon the longest, sharpest thorn, J. A heartbreak story – where I am lamenting amidst savage branches, – and as it feels like a thousand deaths inside, I am struggling to rise above my agony to out-carol any other story of heartbreak and pain ever felt. Just this one superlative song, heartbreak is the price. Like Thorn Birds: “There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one.(…) One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain… Or so says the legend.”
I don’t talk about J obsessively with my friends, but use journaling/blogging as a technique to get over him. I don’t check his social media feeds (cause I unfollowed him everywhere and I am not a stalker), I don’t party, I don’t neglect my responsibilities (though, Poochie got more attached to Daniel over the past months as J didn’t like having Poochie around and my little doggue-girl detached herself from me, pain! I’m working on getting her back. Yet, lesson learnt – don’t prioritise a man over your dog), my appetite is abysmal – I am eating way more than normal and feeling sick due to that, I don’t cry anymore but I analyse my breakup nonstop, I feel tired and genuinely lethargic but my workaholic side takes over. And yesterday’s date, though was marvellous (he even asserted – “hey please, I would like to invite you, would you mind?”, clear communication and I was surprised but I said yes. I was surprised cause J never asserted anything like that! So we always paid individually or I’d Twint him my part).
WD knows about my odd predicament over gifts and accepting anything from a stranger – but his assertion was so sincere and refreshing that I couldn’t say no. I didn’t feel the need to Twint it to him. With J, I always paid my half (I always felt the need to do so… don’t know why, something about J’s mannerisms made me uncomfortable to even accept a coffee from him), and I am glad I paid him back always – especially now, knowing I owe him nothing. I cannot be reproached as someone who took all the time (like J said about his ex L).
I know all the wrongs J did, and yet… here I am feeling like a cross between a Parrot and a Thorn Bird? Fieldnote: “I sit here looking at this man – WD, and thinking of J? This never happened before. I have to get over him and not get nostalgic – cause I feel like a Parrot.”
“Yes, parrots are monogamous. Oddly enough parrots tend to find one partner and stick with them. In the wild, they’ll stay near each other, find food together, and so on…. They look for a partner and under very rare circumstances do they leave their partner for another or seek another partner at the same time.”