It feels as if every bit of joy has gone out of my life. Work was hard. When my absolutely fabulous boss asked me how my weekend was – I blurted out “it was horrible. We broke up”.
Keeping a calm face was hard. Keeping a cool head was hard. Softwares that I’ve been using since a decade seemed like unfamiliar terrain. Still I managed to clear some tasks. But I couldn’t breathe.
I got so used to his messages, that everytime my phone buzzed, my heart skipped a beat. Going through this day without texting eachother… I don’t know about him, but I had to clench my fist, and breathe…. every other minute. It’s so hard to believe that one minute we are fine, and the other minute – as he wrote in his closure message: “the social dilemma and conflict” – thanks to toxic friends and gullible relatives “made it impossible for” his “love to continue to grow”.
I’m dying a thousand deaths.
Finally asked my boss, “I’m not in a good headspace, would you mind if I leave early?” Of course he said yes, and once home – after I’ve cried a bucket – I’ll finish today’s design tasks. That’s the plan.
And thank God for masks. No one can tell my pain if I don’t look into their eyes. No one can tell my pain if they don’t see my mouth puckered in pain.
This hurts. This hurts differently.