Toxic Trait

Love at the age of 35+ is a mix between toxic coping mechanisms and genuine effort to go beyond caution.

Let me start by saying that the love you were capable of giving at the age of 20 is now hidden behind layers of carefully calculated psychological analysis, checking if someone is worthy of your emotions. It’s like going 1 step forward and ready to leap 10 steps backward. One can’t help but ask why? 

You hear men complaining about women who loved them but cheated on them with someone else – whore. You hear men complaining about women who loved them but were often incapable of having a calm conversation to explain why they were angry – banshee. You hear men complaining about women who used them for their money – gold-digger. You hear men who complain about women who separated them from their parents – that bitch! List goes on. But did anyone ever ask why?

The whore: wants you to be creative in bed, stop her from getting bored, or evolve with her into becoming polyamourous, or maybe – just maybe – stop flirting with her friends, that hot woman on the dance floor, or your ex, and give her more time and attention! The banshee: wants you to stop being abusively annoying and just listen to her side of the story clearly without judgement, without making her feel inferior, without making her feel passive aggressively attacked by your snide comments, without being gaslit or cornered. The gold-digger: wanted to be independent but couldn’t find means to become one, her ingenuity perhaps lies in the fact that she can get any man she wants and opted for the rich old dude (you because you like them young and pretty) because she wants to cry while sipping a gourmet Bloody Mary on a Yacht floating on the Mediterranean rather than marry poor and cry while tolerating abuse (both abusive but at least one provides comfort and abuse). That bitch: was just tired of you not taking her side at all so she had the courage to give you that ultimatum – “parents or I”. If you chose her, then good on you. Now stop complaining and calling her a bitch – rather start working on getting your parents to be kinder, more accepting. If not – at least civil while she’s around.

Point is, these leave a long-lasting invisible cut right through one’s soul. And believe it or not – women evolve. It is years of abusive relationships that get us to be these stereotypes. You would ask: which one is you De.B.? None. I was and still am none of the above. Yet I ended up in relationships where I gave without asking anything in return. I have been called “epitome of unconditional love” by those who are closest to me and know me inside out. I am used to being the silent second choice that somehow every man thought would be the perfect marriage material, the good wife, the girl next door. Didn’t stop me from having brutal heartbreaks and abusive partners. Years of this has made me so cautious that now I have to wilfully try to lower my ironclad protective layers to let anyone in. At the first scent of possible balance tilt towards me giving more – where I remotely feel that I might be more emotionally involved – I shut off. I run away. 

I have a mantra that everyone knows of : Mind Over Matter.

But the way I use it is deemed highly toxic to self.

My toxic trait is this, I can shut-off any physical or emotional pain (matter) by focusing on “mind”. I just say “it’s not real, it’s all in my head”; and from love to broken bones – I literally feel nothing. This helps me walk away. I won’t recommend it because it is highly toxic to supress emotions – but… I have learnt over the years, that it is needed. Cause I am my own knight in shining armour as I am my own princess in distress. 

So, if you are someone (most likely a man) dealing with “whore, banshee, gold-digger, bitch” kindly review where you have gone wrong cause one can’t clap with just one hand flapping around aimlessly in mid-air. As for the woman being called all that or more, or you are someone who is giving while the other is just there to take endlessly – then “Mind Over Matter”. 

Move on. Move away. Let them be. “Courage dear heart” – it is time to be your own knight in shining armour.